About Brandon Mendelson
About Bram Stoker:
Bram Stoker has his own Wikipedia page. Anything I say here will be a disservice to that reputable bastion of information.
About Brandon Mendelson:
Intro To Mediocrity
I grew up in Monroe, New York. My family moved there to get away from the assholes that inhabit Long Island.
You too can be a tool. All you have to do is dress like I did in high school.
The only thing I kept from the Island was my love for a team that embodies mediocrity, the New York Islanders.
I barely graduated from Monroe-Woodbury Senior High School. I had no commitment to academic success, didn’t want to be there, and hated everyone I went to school with. I did; however, hold the stupid belief that being involved in a lot of extracurriculars would get me into NYU, despite a piss-poor GPA.
Alfred State was the only college that accepted me, and I didn’t even apply there. My Dad sent them an application after I told him I wasn’t applying elsewhere and that other colleges were “bullshit”.
That was a rare moment between my Dad and I because my parents … were not always available. My older sister, Melissa, raised us.
For every good thing Melissa did, my older brother Brad undid. Born dead and later revived through magic, Brad has many issues including severe OCD. His daily routine consists of throwing everything out, putting what’s left away to be thrown out later, going through your stuff, checking the mailbox twenty-seven times, and carrying conversations with himself. If you did anything to disrupt his routine, Brad would get angry, Hulk-angry, so none of us did anything.
Between the parents and Brad, I was functionally retarded until college. Don’t believe me? I’m wearing a New York Mets shirt in the picture to the right. I hate the fucking Mets!
7 Things To Do Before I Pull A Hemmingway
1. Keep my promises.
2. Write a New York Times best seller
3. Sleep with Halle Berry
4. Appear on The Colbert Report
5. Not be eaten by bears.
6. Act in movies or on a television show (that lasts more than one season)
7. Get stage time, practice, and work on becoming a decent stand-up comedian. I’m shooting to be a Carlin, but I’ll be happy if I land above a Mencia or Dunham.
What Am I Doing Now?
Most of my college experience and stories are being saved for later blog posts, so we’re going to fast forward to after I finished my Bachelor’s at SUNY Potsdam:
In my transition from undergraduate to graduate student, I worked for a syndicated ABC television show and CBS. All while taking graduate classes at SUNY Potsdam. Not a great combination.
CBS consisted of sitting for six hours each day tagging hundreds of stories from college papers. It sucked, but it was also the perfect job because I barely had coworkers and you could watch all the porn you wanted. Telecommuting is awesome!
The TV show? It’s something to forget, but hey, it got me in IMDB! I’m halfway to my goal of appearing on television and racking up credits to fill out that page.
Meanwhile, Potsdam’s graduate program wasn’t working out. Since I flunked my LSAT … Wait, flunk is too weak of a word. I bombed my LSAT so hard the walls shook in the scoring center and three law school admissions officers committed suicide in protest. I avoided the GRE after vowing never to kill again.
Faced with limited options, admissions offices really like their bullshit standardized test scores, I went to UAlbany to work toward a Ph.D. in American History.
I attempted to live in Albany after moving from Potsdam, but found the Times Union wasn’t hiring, and paying for your apartment with a graduate student loan is a really bad idea.
Spooked after a conversation with Dr. Bon Tempo, about the job options for a Ph.D. in American History, I wound up leaving UAlbany to travel across America to promote the early detection and prevention of cancer.
As a backup, I am slowly completing a Master’s in Leadership at SUNY Plattsburgh, by way of Adirondack Community College. With the degree I can get a job while finishing my Ph.D and / or work another college job and teach until I get a tenure track offer.
This way, when I have the doctorate, I’m not totally screwed … unless this whole writing thing works out. In that case I can pay off the $100,000 student debt and escape to Los Angeles or somewhere where Winter is a practical joke.
Oh, and some day I hope to write my own book and not cash in off someone else’s work. That would be nice.
