Information About Dracula And Kittens

From: “50 Things Not To Do In Public Places” (The Live Journal of Brandon Mendelson)

Date & Time: October 5th, 2009, at 7:02pm EST

Tags: Hate Burgers, Unemployment, Grammatical Errors

Feeling: Shame

Song: “I’m The Least You Could Do” by The Bloodhound Gang

The Boring Background Stuff

Glens Falls, NY — Never thought I would convert a literary masterpiece into a comedy about the sale of vampire kittens orchestrated by fiction’s greatest monster. But, little has worked out the way I hoped. For example, I’m writing this from a tiny bedroom in cold Glens Falls and not a bench on Santa Monica Pier.

Despite the lackluster conditions, I keep working because I have this dream. Willy Loman’s dream. The one about coming out on top despite the odds. Also known in the entertainment business as, “Pulling a Seacrest”. That dream didn’t work out well for Willy. Jay-Z? Sure, he raps about it every chance he gets. I bet Jay-Z and I have a lot in common. He’s from “the hood”, and I am from the mean streets of Monroe, New York. How different can they be?

Maybe I should use Jay-Z as my example  instead of Willy? I don’t know. Jay-Z did ripoff Diamond Dallas Page, but he also owns part of my beloved New Jersey Nets. This is a harder choice than the one Sophie had to make.

Having Dracula And Kittens published is my ticket to reaching my goals. Getting published ranks behind “appearing on The Colbert Report” but just above “Not being eaten by bears” on my 5 Things To Do Before I Pull A Hemingway list. Actually, neither of those two appear on the list, but they’re just as important.

Will I be successful? You never know. Maybe. And maybe the Buffalo Bills will win the Super Bowl. I hope they don’t. As a Giants fan, nothing would pain me more than to see a team actually in New York celebrate a Super Bowl victory. We like our teams taking pity on New Jersey and playing there, forcing fans to commute and cause undue strain on Earth’s ecosystem.

(Photo by: GMO66)

Publishing Dracula And Kittens on the web is a gamble. Plenty can happen between now and when the book is completed. Fortunately, it’s really easy to mimic what I’m doing. So I’ve trained a walrus and two manatees, who encourage the walrus, to fill in should I get electrocuted while in the shower.

You’re not supposed to shower during thunderstorms, right?

Why Not Self Publish Dracula And Kittens?

Fuck you. That’s why.

Wait. I used that joke in Chapter 4, didn’t I? Fair enough. Here’s why not:

There’s plenty of autobiographical stuff in this book, a lot of which is embarrassing. I’m pretty much John Harker and share most of his quirks. It’s a long story. Harker is not better off for it. Actually, none of these characters are. I took what I knew about Dracula, its themes, and cranked it to 12. That’s one notch above Spinal Tap but eight notches below Dethklok.

Today, self publishing is the refuge of suckers and bad writers. My sister Melissa excluded … or is she? You decide.

So, if I’ve already told strangers about my unhealthy love of Halle Berry and devotion to nerdy minutia, there’s not much left to lose by self publishing, right?

Wrong. If you self publish, you’re guranteed to lose money. You also get the additional kick to the balls of almost every agent and publisher avoiding your book like it’s Bret Michaels.

If I publish this way, there’s a plan:

First Rule: Except the domain, you do not spend money unless you’re making money.

Second Rule: Except the domain, you do NOT spend money unless you’re making money.

Third Rule: Follow the plan- Phase 1- Sell people Amazon Kindles. Phase 2- ? Phase 3- Profit.

Fourth Rule: Only one advertiser at a time. If someone wants to advertise on DraculaAndKittens.com, they can email me.

Fifth Rule: If a publisher says, “Stop. We’ll publish this!” The online publishing is over until the book comes out. If this happens I will film the web miniseries to keep you entertained.

Sixth Rule: No socks. No shoes. No going outside until the project is successful. Pajama pants are optional.

Seventh Rule: This project will go until the book is published, even if I’m in a rest home, can’t remember who I am, and eating things off the floor.

Eighth Rule: I must reach 1,000,000 unique web visitors by October 31st, 2011, even if I have to hold a teddy bear at gun point and bribe people to come. This is also known as pulling a Kim Jong-il.

Will This Work?

I decided to take the blog-to-book approach and monetize when I can instead of throwing my money into the sewer.

If by some divine act of comedy a publisher says, “I like this. Lets print it”, there’s a body of evidence to show “blogs to books” can be successful. Publishing is a business. If you can build up an audience and show they will purchase your book, you are guaranteed a book deal and a healthy relationship between you, your agent, and your publisher.

That would be perfect because I have other books planned to go with Dracula And Kittens.

Publishers are not able to promote most books they put out, so if you can do that with your already established audience? That’s awesome. More awesome than this:

Successful blog-to-book examples: Tucker Max, Maddox, Julia Powell, Robert Hamburger, Christian Lander. Even the LolCatz, whom I hate with every inch of my soul.

If this doesn’t work, and if I get desperate, I’ll troll 4Chan for a while, find a meme I didn’t create, put a watermark on it, say I came up with it, and post them on Tumblr. Apparently doing this makes you a genius and also leads to book deals.

Why should YOU buy the print version of Dracula And Kittens?

If the book doesn’t get picked up, this is the final version. I’ll go back and tweak some jokes and grammar, but that would be it. To me, if the project is not successful, coming back and adding anything new would be like going to the cemetery, digging up your relatives, and putting them in new clothes because you want them looking sharp for the looming zombie apocalypse. If the apocalypse comes, great.

If not, you’re going to be the stupid one in the psych ward.

If the book does gets picked up, I may have an editor suggest changes and tweaks, which I welcome. So structurally the book will likely be different. Not to mention, there is stuff I can get away with online that would need to be changed for a commercially available book.

You know … to avoid lawsuits?

Think of it like buying the Richard Donner cut of Superman 2. Sure you’ve seen Superman 2, but Donner’s version is way better.

The same way this version of Transformers 2 would have been way better.

Why Do This Now?

I wanted to write something that, if everyone else in the world hated it, I could enjoy it.

If you don’t like the book? I don’t really care. I did this for me.

If you do like the book? Awesome. I’ll come read it to you. Aside from a three-way with my wife and Halle Berry, nothing would make me happier than to make you laugh.

Don’t worry Halle Berry, my wife made the same face at that joke.

Until a book deal, stay loose assholes!

- Brandon “For Great Justice!” Mendelson

P.S.  I’ll come to your college, office, home, or park bench to read your favorite excerpts, and talk about our business model if you cover my travel. And if you act now, I’ll throw in a Walmart coffin. Absolutely free!*

But wait, there’s more! If you email in the next ten minutes after reading this, I’ll send you this limited edition sterilized jar that I had to crap in. Supplies are limited, so order today!

*Not really. Dad Remembered is kind of pricey.